“Darkest souls of light”

Inspired by a gentle soul’s struggles who never ceases to look for hope. Even in places where there might be none,  that’s what it means to have inner strength.  Strength comes first of all from the willingness to never give up and keep trying.  I hear, read and see the flutter of wings tirelessly beating for freedom and constant search for the truth. What ever the truth is, the challenge is never to stop searching for it. If earnest, the path becomes the truth.

harsh were the words said by her stare
so drenched in dark and sick despair
so rang her silent cry, I swear
I heard hearts breaking everywhere

and what the pain, the scars ran deep
stirring the dead, the dreamless sleep
and what the paths beyond her leap
was ever the price of faith that steep?

yet bruised her gentle eyes go bright
when weakest hands pray for the might
to rise in tides from fallen height
to love the darkest souls of light

– Written by my brother, Shan.

Changes

Instead of resisting to changes, surrender. Let life be with you, not against you. If you think “My life will be upside down” don’t worry. How do you know down is not better than upside?

– Rumi

I tried to find Him on the Christian cross, but He was not there;
I went to the temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas,
but I could not find a trace of Him anywhere…
I searched on the mountains and in the valleys
but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him.
I went to the Ka’bah in Mecca, but He was not there either…
I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their understanding…
Then I looked into my heart and it was there
where He dwelled that I saw Him,
He was nowhere else to be found.

– Rumi

Muslimventures Season 2: in a Mad, Mad world…

I moved into my new apartment just 5 days before my final exam. The guy who was already staying there  (let’s just call him Iqbal, even though he’s not really a desi guy, but his hairdo does qualify him for being a proper Iqbal), is a few years older than me and luckily for me, he just finished my line of study and is doing another 2 years in a different field. He may be resourceful and so far he has been very welcoming and open with me. He’s actually from a place near my hometown, we easily became friends and had a common sense of respect and the idea of teamwork to make a good living environment, in which we both can feel comfortable and organized (you know how such things are, at least I pray he won’t change into a girl overnight and make me rue the day I switched places). I like that, that is something I REALLY missed with the previous “roommate”. He’s sophisticated and direct, serious if he has to be but he’s also the joking kind of guy who likes to mess around. He’s like a dawg. Iqbal actually has cool things to talk about, there’s a point to it and not just random squabbling with no end. I can actually debate and have discussions with him without it involving dogs or mambo jumbo (unless I bring it up, as I always do, because my favorite topics include mambo jumbo..unless it’s forced upon me). He likes to play games and watch movies every now and then, and invites me along to join him or even share a meal. He’s really a good guy and understands my need for halal food as well. He has this giant freezer which I am free to store my own food in. He’s like the real roommate material. My previous roommate pretty much excluded me from activities like that because I was different.  I don’t know how I even managed to live with her that whole time. It might have been down to my mental strength. Or not. The new landlords live just right above, a small family with a dog and they are not noisy at all. They have been very kind to me. I asked them if I could pay less over the summer as I won’t be using any electricity which they didn’t mind! The lady has often come by just to talk and shared like personal information regarding her relatives and other issues. I guess she opened up with me quickly. She talked about her own family and that she has a daughter who stayed in India a few months. I think she was trying to impress me, she felt like an aunty who’s looking for a rishta right there. Overall, just over the course of 5 days I had a very refreshing start there just before my vacation. 5 days beat the 8-9 months I spent with that GIRL. Let’s hope I won’t miss the fun I had in that place and get complacent and happy.  Rent is much better than the previous place, as well as the facilities (after I moved out from there, the landlord increased the rent uhuhu?! I saw the girl advertising for it on this Facebook page for apartments on rent etc). There’s actually a jacuuzi there too!! The daughter of the house uses it sometimes…maybe there might be a little bollywood connection there, eh? Kuch kuch to hoga maybe? Balle balle. Still, better not get involved with a girl again so soon, you never know how it can turn out (I actually do now).

Me and Iqbal exchanged conversations over the summer break, keeping each other updated on comings and goings etc. We talked about who the 3^rd person might be if anyone moves in. I was hoping it would be a girl (?!?! Really ?), to counter balance the strong male domination in the happy household of lovable guys. I don’t know about 3 guys, it’s kinda…gay, no? Conversational wise I’d think it would add a nice touch, unless it bogs down to what I already experienced before… then I would use Iqbal as a human shield (he’s massive too) to block the mad ravings before they reach my ears. Iqbal texted the landlady, asking if anyone else had moved in yet. He then told me, that some gay dude moved in with us. I started cracking up and thought he was joking…ha ha…hahaah…good one…heh…ehe…it was a good one, right? IQBAL? Are you serious? He goes “Yes”. My jaw dropped and went through the floor and my eyeballs came popping out of my sockets. No offense to homosexuals, I don’t have anything against your way of life, I just didn’t think I’d have to live room to ROOM WITH ONE. BUT WHAT? 3 GUYS sharing the same apartment kinda got gay now didn’t it? I might be overreacting a tad, he might be a nice…gau…gug…uuuuy… I hope I don’t have to wake up in the morning to see his makeup hour. He could be running around naked!? I don’t wanna have to deal with over sensitive dramas of a guy.  There is already one of those in my class. What if he develops some kind of a man crush on me? OR IS HE GOING TO BRING a boyfriend over? “Why Hello, Fernando, nice to meet y–don’t TOUCH MY HAND!!” I almost DARE to say… the girl might have been better. MIGHT!! But I have Iqbal there to keep it cool… I am even too afraid to share this with my mom now or anyone else. What the hell would I say? What do you think they’d say? “ASTAGHFURULLAH, NAUZOBILLAH, u were better off living with that girl”. God is really testing my limits here now. This blog should now be called Muslim in Gay Trouble instead. How convenient, I don’t even need to change any of the letters, as if it was meant to happen. I still have 10 days left before college starts and I go back next week. But it remains to be seen, let’s hope for the best and let’s try to show some acceptance towards others as they do onto me. For I am also glad to not be stereotyped as a Muslim, so I will have to try my , um, best to do extend my hand in friendship to others as well, be they as they may.

You may have thought I was dead…….

…that the girl had gotten the best of me and discovered this unholy blog of my troubling life with her and tried to choke me to death? Maybe, but no, I had exams and I packed, I moved out, I went on vacation to the US, bought a few things, and made some unforgettable memories. I spent a whole month there and when I came back it was Ramadan, so things got busy busy! Did I mention… that I moved out? YES I DID. Yes, you know that’s right man. Woman. You heard, you read correct. I LEFT. THE DAY NOBODY SAW COMING. SO SOON. I liberated myself from her devilish chains!  She might have wanted to choke me then, when I broke the news to her.  You WON’T believe what I had to go through. It wasn’t as easy as packing up my things and leave (I actually made a meme for this back then – sorry for the swear word!!).

NO, she wanted to make that complicated…so many things happened…where to begin….where did I move…who do I live with now…how did it all go down… did she beg me to stay? How did the girl react to all this? Was she devastated? HOW COULD I DO THIS TO HER YOU SAY? You thought this was going to end up being a bollywood movie? Who is going to keep her place nice and clean now? My God, so many questions and yet I’m not giving you anything. I’m sure you want to know what happened next…SO LISTEN…… Anyways, are my fans still active? I see my fanbase has increased with one follower since my last entry, truly impressive!! Anyways, my comrades? Hombres? y Muchachas ? I’ve been absent for so long you might have lost hope in me! But I did not abandon you folks!! You are like my familia…bella Italia… brothers…sisters…uncles and aunties…if any. I had a long needed break and it has been more than two months since my last entry. I hereby proclaim my return to the most awesome of blogs!!

Now I’m sure nobody has read all of my things before…and if you have then I’m sorry, BUT THIS one will be different… it will be the best blog entry I’ve ever written. SO much has happened lately and so many things changed, life is full of surprises and last week I became a father and…I just keep making up crap so let’s call it quits. But wait…am I? :O

I just needed to make an update to keep ya’ll tuned in for the next season of Muslimventures. I need a break of maybe another…2 months to let you digest all this valuable info… I see WordPress has updated it’s interface with a new and sleek look and menu and all that… more like polished… this is all happening too fast for my old, wise and slow mind that can’t keep up with all this new stuff…!! Like the new device from Google, Chromecast and Ophelia from Dell…whatever that is – you figure it out! And for your information I saw the new Wolverine movie today and thought to let you know it’s a decent…marvel…movie… I guess, if you’re into that stuff. I recommend it!!

I just had sehri (fasting), having three slices of pizza…and I will be starving for the next 19-20 hours. This feels like a random and scrambled post…eggs… and just one last thing…Ramadan Mubarik and Eid Mubarik, eventually, and if you don’t know what that means then… too bad, good bye ;O

CXLIII

Muslimventures: VIII

I RETURN TO YOU… my fellow readers. I have been absent for far too long and now I am back…to share my miserable life with you. I hope you are all doing well wherever you are in your lives. I will ask of you to keep me in your prayers and your thoughts and try not to get dirty minded…TRY not. I missed you folks…even though I’ve never met any of you, but out of the kindness of my hateful little heart… you are not forgotten.

Since last time I have turned a year older and wiser, even though by stating that myself, I probably did not. It was not the best birthday I had, but it was the first one without my familia. But I thank those who made it more than I could have asked for and I had some sort of cake. Now as you know Facebook has a way of making our brains lazy by remembering all the birthdays for us and the girl…who so ever haunts me…did not wish me a happy birthday – and I know her well enough to know that more than half of her days are spent on social medias. I didn’t know that I could think even less of her than before. Made me more determined to find another place to live and that’s the best present I can give myself. Apart from that, the downloading has not gotten better. I, at least, have the decency to think about others by not sucking up the whole bandwidth in this household, while the neighbors on the floor above and my roommate (and I suspect it’s her most of the time, because the people living above are almost never home) seem to intend to bankrupt our ISP. Every single day she’s doing something. I can barely load a video from YouTube or download a song (at the incredible top speed of 8 kb\s) without knocking myself over. I also have other things I want to do, like playing a game online with my friends but that always ends in tears. But nowadays those are mostly my tears, not theirs as usual. Yes, yes I know I could just tell her to knock it off and I already tried to tell the owner to make some ground rules but he has not been cooperative lately. My charisma and persuasion skills have never been very efficient, despite the fact that I am a Muslim. Some landlord of the year. He should be ashamed of himself, not making my life a little better and a little brighter. An orphan somewhere could even profit from that, but no..alas..nothing..I will not donate to the orphanage this year, thank you, Mr. Landlord. I am still in the search for another place and I might have found something – so we will see how that goes. It might put this blog’s existence in jeopardy, but fear not. There will be others…I’m sure whatever I get lumbered up with, will provide first class entertainment for you and torment for me.

I do get lucky sometimes, mostly when she’s spending late nights out. And this is not a joke, but as soon as she steps inside, the downloading starts out of nowhere. Like how much can you download? What record are you trying to break ? Is there some contest I am not aware of ? I am sitting in my room and cussin’ as silently as I possibly can, while waiting for google.com to load for 10 minutes. Lately there has also been partying in the apartment…leaving me trapped in my room. A prison cell might suit me better. Because when she has guests, they occupy the kitchen and I have no chance of cooking something until they leave. I am too afraid of them. They might be dangerous or worse…like her…God help us. Since I don’t know any of her friends, a good roommate would have introduced them to me but noooo. And I would appreciate it if she could ever tell me or even ask beforehand that she’s arranging a party and gonna leave me to starve. It’s not just your damn apartment. If you want to get a picture of how it looks like, this is our fridge (taken with my awesome phone):

You may notice those beer cans are in front which would suggest there more in the back… Of course her friends brought even more junk. Now all my classes are over and imagine going thru all this when exams are coming up, I get sick of studying because I can’t get to do anything else around here. Only 3 weeks left so I guess I can still hold on a little while longer

Muslimventures: VII

Good day folks! Today I wanted to share my knowledge for those eager to hear, drinking my words of wisdom. For they shall or might be disappointed to discover, that those words are all but shallow dribble and bananas. YET you will still need to read this to find out for sure, I could be making this up!

It’s getting rather boring now as of late, because there’s isn’t much happening these days – the girl is becoming less annoying (that’s bad news for this blog). And do not even think that I am starting to grow fond of her, I just haven’t had anything to complain about. She’s more withdrawn and unsociable, now I am not so afraid to ask about something anymore because she won’t talk me to death (I think she’s starting to get the hint). Her door is always closed now and most days we only say so much as hello and that’s when one of us comes back home. Yes, she WAS super annoying back then and I wish she could just disappear (not that I still doo…), but now she’s just boring. Which means lack in story progression. She’s becoming less interesting to talk about and I might have to move from here just so I can find someone else to write about – to be able to continue this storyline.

Anyways, something rather funny happened today and I just had to make a new post. As I was minding my own business and downloading songs legally from the internet; my lamp goes off, my power supply for my laptop goes, and the heat goes out too. Everything just went dead. I was wondering WTH is going on! (obviously I knew what was going on, more importantly, WHY was it happening). I was already picturing world end scenarios in my head and that my life just got degraded to a caveman like environment which means that I would have to start living off bread with nutella. This gave me a chance to strike up a conversation with the girl, nevertheless, she didn’t even notice there was a power outage until I said so. We were both on mutual grounds about this and we felt helpless in this situation. We could neither make calls from our phones or get a hold of the landlord – but we soon discovered that this concerned the entire town! All we could do was wait and talk about how to live from now on. I suggested that we watch a movie in the meantime (we had no idea how long this was going to take) on my laptop which still had 2 hours left of battery and since there was nothing else to do. I made sure to keep a reasonable…sitting…distance, you might never know when she’s going to lose control.

After the movie was finished, the power came back on. It was the happiest moment in my life, all my dreams and hopes were now possible again! I could now continue with my evil plans…. but an important lesson was taught during these brief hours!!!11 Or rather, a reminder; I try to think environmental friendly by not using too much electricity and water, and  use friendly and energy saving bulbs (LED ones, I know, pretty beast). But do not be wasteful of food, water nor electricity. Be grateful for what you have and the resources you possess. For far too many in this world do not have these luxurious and we have become greedy for our own good! We have shut ourselves in and machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. All these inventions cries out the good in us, but our knowledge has made us cynical. Cherish the little things in life and think of what really matters – and that, ladies and gentlemen, were the words of wisdom today. Although I was mostly concerned about my food supply, what was I to do without my chicken? Mind you, this is not my fridge, I’m not that unhealthy 😛

Thank you for wasting your precious time and i hope you will have the displeasure to to read my rawesome important mambo jumbo soon again! Adios

Muslimventures: VI

So today I woke up at noon and took a shower. The hair filter is full of shit again which I am not going to clean up this time. I am going to wait and see if she grows a few braincells to do it herself. BUT I did clean the whole apartment. I vacuumed, I mopped and I cleaned the kitchen, and last but not least, I took out the trash. I cleaned all the rooms except for the two rooms she spends most of her time in – her own room and the living room (she basically owns those rooms because the furniture there is all hers) she gon’ do that herself! I feel a sense of accomplishment, I patted myself on the back for a job well done. I like it when it’s all squeaky clean around me, I can sit back and relax and inhale the wonderful chemical lemon or lime or whatever fruity stench emits from the floor below me. A clean environment is also hygienic and contributes towards a healthy mind, and cleaning itself can also be therapeutic at times… it’s like a thinking box where I figure out my worries. What to cook, what to think..?? Or when…how to remove…certain obstacles… in your life. OF course I don’t mean the girl… who do you think I AM? Or maybe I do mean her. Anyways, a clean floor is like a clean shaved beard. You just wanna kiss the damn floor as you would kiss on a clean face. All nice and soft, baby smooth and my face even shines like silver (since gold is Haram for men :P)…yes that sounds like Twilight now. Never mind. The apartment, I am sure, is satisfied with me and I can feel its acknowledgement and it shares my pity and sorrow for the girl.

What else happened… Yes, yesterday I was attempting to make springrolls and some samose (for the first time). Let’s just say 2/3 of them made it through the process. I also got burned on my beautiful hands from the splashy oil, it didn’t leave any spots behind thankfully, but next time I should be more careful. I can not live a carefree life of trying to set myself on fire in my own kitchen.

Things seem quiet lately, the girl seems more or less withdrawn. Somewhat unsocial, I usually take the initiative of proposing to watch a movie and she always says yes. But she never asks. A good reason for that might be because most of the stuff she watches is junk and I never join her and her friends to watch Doctor Who or some weird nonsense. Maybe it’s also because she’s afraid of me and my rugged, terrorist like appearance. Her door is always closed now, but mine is open for dialog. Even after she comes home from school – just WAM. Could be that she’s always watching a movie or a show now, and I do tend to make lots of noise when I’m in the kitchen – it is open at times but she closes the door if there’s too much noise.  But who knows, maybe she got her thingy going on because I was unfortunate to find some empty tampon boxes. Yes, imagine my surprise. I didn’t  know what to do with them so I left them there. Damn’it woman, can’t you hide that stuff I’m already suffering enough from this hectic “climate”.

Parents

There’s something that has been bothering me for a while and I just feel the need to voice my opinion. It regards Muslim parents or more importantly, Desi parents. Mine are great and I’m really grateful for that (They let me move out and LIVE with a strange GIRL, that’s saying something!), for their reasons and their understandings. They base their opinions on logic and reason, they don’t even shout at me or yell, but they come through me with their wisdom. You might say they use the rhetorical devices in modes of persuasion (here) and then let me do the thinking and decide for myself what’s the most sensible thing to do. One of the reasons for this might be that they’re educated and well knowledgeable about their faith in Islam and that they also had good parents (which I also know since they were my grandparents), that often shows. Yet there are some who are uneducated (some can still be great and understanding, but not everyone are I’m afraid) and pretend know what Islam says (more importantly, sometimes they pretend they don’t know when they actually DO – parents don’t always like to be outsmarted or think you know more\better than them). If they knew so well, why don’t they practice that knowledge?  Why don’t they use it? I have friends that don’t live for themselves, instead they only live to please everyone else (the elders) and the parents. What am I supposed to say when they come and complain tell me that nothing is fair? What do you expect to change when one does nothing about it? There is a saying that goes if you are being oppressed and you do nothing to stop it then you’re also letting it happen to you (you are also one of them). Pleasing your parents itself is a noble characteristic which God will look upon you with a smile, but come on how far can one go on like that? Even no matter how much you can please them and try to make them happy, which has basically been your whole life and they still don’t appreciate you? Doesn’t God want you to be happy too, if you are unhappy then so is He because God only wants you to be the best version of yourself. Would you marry someone just to please your parents? Someone you can’t even imagine sharing a roof and a bed with. Marriage is a serious endeavor requiring commitment and compatibility, which is why it should be a decision only you can make. I read somewhere that the beginning of love is to let those we love and care about be themselves too, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them (I really like THIS). Making carbon copies of their children. This sounds pretty much one-sided to me; happiness goes both ways and so does trust. The kids happiness is also the happiness of the parents and vice versa, no?

You ultimately have to take personal responsibility for the choices you make in your own life. There’s a fine line between you and your parents, and one of the reasons why so many people convert is because of the RIGHTS they get, liberating them from their pasts and their lives. Of course, you want to be able to keep your parents happy as well as yourself. But then you have to make them realize that too! A divorce nowadays is like a trend (a growing trend), even in the Muslim community and I wonder why? I’m sure there are many reasons for that and I believe this is one of them too. Being honest about how you feel today might potentially save you and your family much heartbreak in the future. Even if it unleashes hell on Earth, the drama, the rejection from your surroundings and families… things will always have to get bad before they get better. Then again, you don’t answer to everyone – in the end you answer to the Almighty.

If you are reading this then voice your opinion please, I like to know what you think and maybe you have something to add. No matter if you’re religious or not, I’m sure this is a reality for many people.